why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
