I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Randomize
