Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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