I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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