So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
