i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
