Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My vagina just clenched in fear
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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