i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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