She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Randomize
