Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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