im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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