Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
