I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
