just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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