I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize