i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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