oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
