My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
third nipple confirmed
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
