I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
