I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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