You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
