My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
