I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
