Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
