I just saw a hot homeless man
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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