i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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