70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He has the fingertips of a God
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