Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
