you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
