I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
