Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
so let's talk penis.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
