I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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