yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
