he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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