I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
