Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
