Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
pray to the hookup gods
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
