I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
They have beer where we have blood.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize