turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
