You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
