there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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