I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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