From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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