I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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