Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
