in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
