Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Sorry about my life...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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