After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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