Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
