If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
