I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
