YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
