What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
