Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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