Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
