I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
