her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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