I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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