does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
