the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize