True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
