Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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