ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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