can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
