you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
