I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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