dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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