I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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