her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
