So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
this beer tastes like vomit already
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
