last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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