you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
