I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
