On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
