Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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