my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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